You ARE the Father
by Salmagundi
Summary: They finally settle the issue of Alabama and Mississippi's paternity.


You ARE the Father

-

"Look, fine. I already told you that I was going to do this. You INSISTED I do this. You can't back down now, just because it's in front of a live audience."

"And all the viewers at home, oui?"

"You don't have to sound so proud of it, you stupid frog! The entire country doesn't need to know about your sexual exploits!"

"I would have to disagree, Angleterre. I'm happy to share my exploits with this fair country."

"Oh, bugger off."

"May I remind you that we're still on-camera?" America cut into their argument, smiling sweetly. He seemed utterly unperturbed, despite being seated right next to the pair of freaks with the fetish for toenail clippings and the guy whose siamese twin was flamingly gay. Then again, this sort of show was all the rage among American viewers, so it wasn't like it was anything new to the nation himself.

England settled down, tugging at the collar of his shirt and darting a wary glance towards the camera. He didn't care what America said, he hadn't agreed to this circus. "All I wanted was a bloody paternity test, not to be paraded about on one of your juvenile talk shows."

"And you'll get a paternity test. So will France and Spain. Stop complaining, England. Don't you WANT to know who Alabama and Mississippi's fathers are?"

"You know I do! Otherwise I wouldn't have asked, you git!"

"Well then, pipe down and let the man do his job."

Grumbling, England turned to look at the host, who was regarding the four of them with an expression of something like horror. You'd think the man had never seen a country before. He just wanted this entire debacle to be over with. He wanted to know for sure if either of the two were his. He wanted... he wanted Spain to stop asking him stupid questions like "Do you think they'll title this show after us or the midget circus porn stars?"

Good god, he was surrounded by lunatics.

The host cleared his throat - again - and held up the envelope. "So, I have the results from the paternity test. In the case of Mississippi..." He opened the envelope up and pulled out a piece of paper. "England... you are NOT the father."

He felt his heart sink unaccountably at the words.

"France. You are NOT the father."

Well, at least it wasn't all bad news.

"Spain. You are NOT the father."

...bloody hell?

All three of the other countries turned to stare at America, who only crossed his arms and rolled his eyes.

"In the case of Alabama. England. You are NOT the father."

His glare could have bored holes into America's skull. He wasn't even listening to the host anymore.

"France. You are NOT the father."

America's lips quirked a little at that and England knew he was about to have an aneurysm. And then he was probably going to be arrested for murdering America on live television.

"Spain. You are also NOT the father."

A long silence settled. It was Spain who finally broke it, sounding a little confused. "But if I'm not, and he's not, and he's also not, then..."

France quirked a brow, looking at America with a sort of mild curiosity. "Who else did you sleep with Amérique? Sweet Canada, perhaps?" There was something about his tone that made England think he was envisioning the scenario mentally - or maybe it was just the lewd smile giving him that impression...

"Mexico?" This from Spain.

England clenched his fists and said nothing.

Another man came out from backstage with a second envelope and the four nations all turned to look as the host opened it. The man's eyes went wide and he was silent for a long moment before he looked at them. "This is... a bit unusual." He cleared his throat. "Apparently, these test results are inaccurate."

"How?" England spoke before he could think about what he was doing. "How can they be inaccurate. You've perfected DNA testing right?"

"Well... yes. But DNA testing requires having DNA. Which apparently you nations do not."

Another long silence as England cranked his head around to look at America, who was grinning widely.

"I warned you, when you first asked me, that this was a waste of time." America leaned back in his chair, looking satisfied. "If paternity testing worked for us, don't you think I would have found out who their fathers were already?"

Twitching fingers clenched into fists. "Then why did you make us come on a talk show?"

"You were getting on my nerves when you kept asking. Besides, it was hilarious. You should have seen your face."

"You... humiliated me on live TV?" England gritted out the words.

"Not live. Give me some credit. This is just a taped session for me to enjoy later."

Not live TV...

As in: not being seen by millions of people.

As in: not being seen by any police...

As in....

"AMERICA!!" England lunged out of his chair and the circus midgets and Siamese twins scattered. His fingers curled around America's neck.

"So... seems like they're a bit busy killing each other..." Spain commented lazily, rubbing the back of his neck. "Want to go out to lunch?"

"Oui."


End file.
